Woman smiles in front of Christmas tree

Just because I’m disabled, doesn’t mean my boyfriend has to be

Online dating has opened up new ways for people to meet and find love but for disabled daters it also brings preconceptions and challenges. For Valentine’s Day Michelle from Liverpool shared her experiences with us.

At school I was very sheltered, I never felt disabled until I went to a mainstream college. Nobody else in my class was disabled and it was a bit of a culture shock. I was in a class with 17 other girls and as difficult as it was for me, I also think it was difficult for them because they’d not grown up around someone who was disabled.

A lot of people I was around in college believed that if you were disabled you’d never have a boyfriend or never want a boyfriend. They’d say things like “you haven’t got a boyfriend, have you?” but actually, at the time I did. When they found out they’d then assume that obviously he must be disabled too. But just because I’m disabled, doesn’t mean my boyfriend has to be and in fact, he wasn’t.

Once you talk to a person and they get to know you, they get to know you as a person and it’s a lot easier to break down those barriers. But unless they take the time to get to know you, it’s hard. That can be especially hard when it comes to dating.

Woman smiling
Michelle’s had some awkward dating experiences

I was born like this, it’s not special, it’s not different, it shouldn’t be an issue

I’m single at the moment and I do find dating difficult. Online dating is particularly awkward as I have to explain that I’m disabled. If you walk up to someone in the street they can see it straight away but online I never really know what to say because to me it’s not spectacularly different. I was born like this, it’s not special, it’s not different, it shouldn’t be an issue. But you never know how someone else is going to react.

Whenever I meet someone online I let them know I’m disabled by saying ‘I’ve got Cerebral Palsy which means I’ve got a slight limp.’ One time I went for a drink with a guy I met online and when I got there he said to me:

“You said your limp wasn’t really that bad but it is.”

I was like wow, what do you even say to that? I said, “no I don’t think it is that bad”. In what world is it okay to say that? You would never say to someone, “you’re not as good looking as your picture”. Unsurprisingly, I didn’t see him again after that.

I think it would help if people were generally more open minded about who they date; get to know the person, don’t be so superficial. I know to a lot of people looks are really important – and they are to me too – but if more people got to know a person rather than basing everything on what they look like it would make things a lot easier.

It’s important to find someone attractive but looks fade and a personality doesn’t. If you’re going to be with that person, they’ve got to be a good person. To me that’s a lot more important than what a person looks like.

Dating will always be difficult whether you’re disabled or not. I don’t think there’s anybody who doesn’t find it awkward. But if you do need some advice then Phil Lusted’s tips to end awkward dating moments is a good place to start.

I haven’t got anything planned for Valentine’s Day this year, I’ll probably watch a film and eat some ice cream. It’ll definitely be a lot better than some of the recent dates I’ve had.

Want to read more, check out our A to Z of sex and disability. 

You can also discuss sex and relationships on the online community.

 

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